In 2013, my biggest fear was not getting a seat on the train.
It felt so big because I was suffering from fatigue after my cancer treatment and everything was tiring. I had left my corporate job and I was re-training as a life coach, specialising in stress relief.
I had done what I thought was the scary thing. To leave my well paid job with all its comforts and benefits. But having to stand on a long train journey (to get to my coaching training), would exhaust me. I would plan things meticulously so I could get an early train, get on the right carriage that would be empty, but I would mostly still have to stand. I would then worry about having a full day of training. And then travelling home.
I used all my stress management skills that I had learned, to give myself as much strength as possible and eventually, over time, I was strong enough to keep going. I’m not worried or scared about getting a seat on the train. When I’m going through a bout of fatigue now, I choose not to actually get on the train at all, rather than battle through it. But if I do, or I have commitments I can’t change, I know I will get through it.
Because I know this. It will always be okay. And I will always another fear that’s most prominent in my life.
Today my fear tends to be about securing my future. To feel stable and have a business in helping people relieve their stress and burnout, whilst living a happy and healthy life myself. I keep learning and working through the fears anyway.
So here’s what I know. What I would tell the me, in 2013, who struggled so much to see past her fear of not getting a seat on the train:
Having your own business is hard. And hard work. I love what I do and have some amazing opportunities to witness and support some wonderful people, who want to live a happier and healthier life. I cannot imagine a life where I wouldn’t help people, in some form.
I can also now acknowledge when I need additional help, so I’m looking forward to starting a new short term assignment next week, helping some students with their finances. It’s temporary and useful when my work can be quiet at times.
I feel excited because it means I get to be part of a team again for a while AND I get to continue doing my own stress relief work on the side. It’s full time work. I’m aware I will be tired again. Especially as I’m currently also coaching a group of prison wardens in building their resilience. So it’s going to take time to settle.
Here’s the difference. I know I can hear what my body needs now, and act on that. I can be kind to myself. Slow down and rest without guilt. And then get up again.
Here’s the thing about following your dreams. You can never know what it actually looks like. You just have to keep taking the steps.
So keep going.
I’m sharing this because it’s my truth and it might resonate for someone else, too.